The rollercoaster ride continues...

... be sure to keep your hands inside the train as it exits the station

I found out on Saturday morning that another friend of mine is pregnant. My initial reaction was anger which quickly passed and turned to pity, sadness, loss, depression. Thankfully, the spiritual fair was that day so I had 2 different readings and am feeling much better. Everyone keeps telling me that we're going to have two children (One of which was standing next to me during my first reading. That just made me feel so much more calm and peaceful.) so I have focused on being more peaceful and mindful and following the path that has been set out for me and knowing that in its own time, my life will fall into place in the manner in which it is supposed to. I really am very happy for my friend and I know she'll be a really fun mom!!! And it's not like we're REALLY close so I won't be constantly confronted with her pregnancy - I know at times it will still remind me of everything that I've lost so it will still be difficult at times.

So any of my friends who are reading this are probably thinking that I've gone off the deep end with this new age crap but I need something in my life to give me guidance and direction. I can only depend on myself blindly for so long and then I need some other insight. I had a numerology reading done at Stokesay as well and it was pretty amazing. I'm still very skeptical of people (one of my challenges - too funny!) and sometimes feel like they're just telling me what I want to hear but they all pretty much keep telling me the same thing - that I've a very strong person (duh.), and that I'm very psychic and am now on the right path (or making the right choices, etc. - the language varies but it's usually the same message). So, I'm going to continue to trust my instincts - about EVERYTHING - and do what I can to listen to myself (Does anybody remember the scene in Best in Show where the blond says she's waiting for another message from herself!!! I feel sort of like that - an idiot listening to another idiot!)

Throughout this period of depression, self pity, whatever you want to call it, I haven't been writing - journaling, yes but the book has taken a back seat. I'm going to make it a priority now so there may not be more than a weekly update post while I readjust my routines and priorities.

I've signed up for the motorcycle safety course and begin it on May 7 - Chris' birthday!! I'm looking forward to learning something new and I'm hoping that this summer may end up being a summer or Chris and I riding together! I smile every time I think about the two of us heading out for a scenic ride (on separate bikes for a change) on those days when nothing's going on!!

The Spa at Hershey was wonderful although we were at a friend's house on Saturday night and I had entirely too much to drink (surprise, surprise - my numerology reading warned of excess!!!) and my head was aching for some of the day. There were 14 ladies of harley there and we had a really nice time!!!

Ok... Off to plan the day. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and will have a wonderful week as well! And did I mention that I woke up to snow on the ground this morning. It was just a dusting and I think it's just about all gone by now but that really was a shocker!!! It is April, right?

Upadting

Blogger has been screwing with me for two weeks and I was really just going to quit blogging but I've got some things coming up for which it may be good to be able to blog! (More info on that later!)

I recieved a call from my doctor's office last week saying that the chromosome analysis came back normal. I was relieved but at the same time, I was upset. What do you hope for in that situation? If something was wrong, we could work to 'correct it' or at least have some idea of how often a pregnancy would result in miscarrige. On the other hand, there (currently) is not reason that I will not have a healthy baby of my own some day!

I went to a tarot card reader on January 20th and, although I'm not sure how much stock I put in tarot or this particular reader, his words were comforting. More on that later as well. Chris has darts tonight so I've got the place to myself and hopefully after the gym, I'll be able to spend a bit of time explaining more!

I've still been working on the book. It is going slowly but well and I'm still very excited about it. It's nice to have a direction to follow! Anyway... Passions is on and I don't know how many more episodes I'll get since they're cancelling it so I'd better enjoy while I can!

Running, Chasing, Writing!

I've been trying to get a sidebar add-on that will show my running log from favoriterun.com but I can't seem to get it to work out... I'll have to try again in a few days when (hopefully) my brain iwll have come up with a new idea or two!

Obviously, I've started running again... well... that's what I like to call it anyway! I run for a minute and walk for a minute. I don't think I'll ever be a speed or distance runner but I know it's a great way to lose weight and get toned up and this pace is just fine for me. I have tried before to be a consistent (as in no walking breaks) runner and it just doesn't work. I get injured or just plain winded and don't keep up. I've been running the way I do now for 6 or 8 months (before my 3 week preganancy/miscarriage hiatus) and I enjoy it. It's enough of a challenge to get my heart rate up and sweat pouring but not enough to make me dread the treadmill. I did 1.79 miles yesterday in 30 minutes. Not a pace that will set the world on fire but, as you can tell, that doesn't bother me!

This morning the genertor guy came out for the annual service. I knew he was coming but it didn't really dawn on me this morning. Winston (our adorable but PITA springer spaniel) realized someone was here and of course wanted to go out and play with him (what a guard dog)! It wasn't till I went to put up the flag (about 10 minutes after letting Winston out) that I realized the generator guy was here. I went out and appologized for just letting the dog out without letting him know but he really didn't mind!! I was here in the office so able to keep an eye on Winston out the window. And imagine my surprise (NOT!) when I saw he had stolen the poor guy's roll of paper towels and was trying to shred it all over my back yard!! I guess that's what I get for letting him out and not supervising but it's getting cold out there! (Which reminds me... I need to put 'build a fire' on the to do list for today!) Winston had a great time out paying with the nice man and (luckily for me!) it tired him out so he's taking a nap right now!

I've started writing my book!!! I've never really known where to start but I came across this brief but immensly helpful article the other day and it really has me focused on this entire process! I wrote for an hour this morning - just 'fleshing out' the characters. The next step (hopefully tomorrow) will be to plot out the story. I've never done this much prep work when I thought about writing and I think that this will really help me to stay focused. Whenever I wanted to write before, I just did. No direction in mind just a general idea of what I'd like to write about and where I'd like to end up. Anyway... I will certianly keep updating about everything.

I'm STILL spotting a little bit after the miscarriage which is really just so anoying by now. I did a bit of knitting last night and hope to have the middle panel of my KING SIZE bed throw done by this weekend (only a year to get this far!). Hope to be able to post some pictures later today but still have some paperwork to do so I don't know if I'll get to it or not.

Childhood ambitions...

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a writer 'when I grew up'. Here I am, all grown up, not working (by choice) and I still want to be a writer. I've never really been able to follow through with much in my life, though, and so this ambition has remained just a dream. Until now, hopefully. I was thiknking about everything that I've been through in my life (my problems with infertility, specifically) and thought that it might make a good story. I know that everyone probably thinks that about their life but I'm sure that there are a lot of women out there for whom this subject may make interesting reading. As I've said, this has always just been an ambition so I'm not really even sure where to start but I think that this is something that I really need to do. I've written my first paragraph and am stuck there but this really is something that I would like to do and I think if I put my mind to it, I can complete this book and make my dream into a reality! I know that I want this book to show the strength that women who endure this pain have but I'm not sure if I want a happy ending or not. I suppose I'll be writing from what I know so it may depend on if we have a happy ending or not. I'd love to hear any thoughts that you may have on this! PLease leave me a comment if you're so inclined.