5th miscarriage official

Well, it's official. I have now had my 5th miscarriage. I am so tired of feeling so completely and utterly defective that it's not funny. There are women out there drinking through their pregnancies, taking drugs through their pregnancies and they get blessed with perfectly healthy babies. I am doing EVERYTHING in my power to keep myself healthy for my babies and I never even get to hold any of them. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement. Why is this so difficult? And why does everyone else get it so easy? I know that life isn't fair to anyone but come on. Isn't this getting a little ridiculous?

here we go again

The cramping started about 45 minutes ago - just in time for my ob's office to be closed. I'm not hopeful that things will be ok but I'll call them in the morning to see if I can get in for an u/s. The way the cramping and bleeding are going, I doubt there will be anything to see tomorrow but I'll post anyway.

Nervous morning...

My temperature dropped this morning and I'm really nervous about it. I know that you're not supposed to keep temping once you're pregnant but one of my (very early) miscarriages was heralded by a temperature drop and ever since then, I just continue even if I get a positive. I guess that's probably not a good idea since one temp can make me think the worst! Anyway... I just have to keep telling myself that it's just one temperature (even though it's the lowest one yet) and hope that it goes up tomorrow = (



Like I said, I'm still charting and I realized that without my fertilityfriend ticker, you have no way of checking out my chart if you want! So here's the link to my FertilityFriend page. I did a pretty good job of taking it easy yesterday. I may have done a bit too much but not WAY too much!! As I was laying on the couch resting yesterday afternoon, I resisted the urge to get up and do things and instead started making a list of them!! Last night after we got home from the club meeting, I did a few of the easier ones and enlisted Chris' help for a few of the others. If we keep up that pace, the list will be done before we know it! I think this may be a technique that I continue to employ even when I don't have to take it easy!

So, that's about it! I lead a very boring life right now. My mind is focused on getting this pregnancy through the next 2 weeks and giving my body what it needs which, right now, might be a nap!

Back to the grind... Monday, Monday!

Well, the spotting is definitely stopping! Woo Hoo!

I got my three things accomplished that I wanted to do yesterday: make dinner (the lamb was very yummy!!), cut up my pineapple (which I'm having as part of a nutritionally balanced breakfast right now!) and I folded the laundry. I was pretty good at balancing rest and 'routine' but there isn't' much of a routine for Sundays!!! Today will be the real test. With Easter coming up and us having dinner here, will I be able to balance all of the things I have to do with not over doing it? Will I be able to organize myself well enough so as not to be completely rushed, run down, and overdoing it by Friday? Stay tuned to find out

Since I won't be doing any more running for the foreseeable future, I've decided to take down the running widget from my sidebar. Just in case I need it again in the future, though, I'm pasting the code here so I don't lose it in my computer! (It doesn't show up but at least I know it's here if I need it!!)


And now without any further ado, I'm off to plan my day!

more blogger crap!!

I'm really getting frustrated with blogger not letting me post/access other posts/loading my flickr badge, etc. so I'm going to give livejournal a shot. Since I'm still taking it easy, it will take me awhile to move stuff to a livejournal blog but I'll be sure to post when it's all done!

UPDATE: I just spent an hour or so looking over live journal and while I REALLY like the site, it doesn't offer the sidebar customization that blogger does and I just LOVE all of my sidebar crap and can't part with it. I suppose I'll just have to muscle through it with blogger!

I woke up this morning at 7:30 (as always) and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been sitting in front of this computer since then and I think it's probably about time I took up my place on the couch again! The spotting has mostly stopped so today's mission will be to avoid the overwhelming urge to resume business as usual and do too much. I think if I use my flylady principle of 'just 15 minutes' differently and only *do* 15 minutes of work an hour, I should be ok! I've got a lamb stew to get in the crock pot and some laundry to fold but other than that, there's nothing pressing that NEEDS to be done.

Before I got out of bed this morning, I was laying there thinking about everything that has gone on in the last year and a half of my life. Isn't it just amazing the way that we change and grow and learn? A year and a half ago, I knew very little about pregnancy and babies and all the rest of the medical crap that goes along with it. I've had to learn SO MUCH in the last year that I think if I wanted to, I could become an OB nurse Of course, I'm just kidding. I know it takes a LOT of work to become a nurse but I'm just shocked at the amount of information that I have gathered over the last year. Going into a doctor's appointment now, I feel like I already know what he's going to say!

It's amazing how we seek out the things we need just when we need them, too. I know that after my last miscarriage I was looking for something, anything to help me understand what was going on and to get through all of my pain and confusion. I was amazed to find what I needed in an interest that I have long since abandoned; metaphysical, new agey kind of stuff. When I was younger, I spent a lot of time reading about crystal healing and tarot cards and psychic abilities. For some reason or another (probably at my father's insistence) I stopped learning about these things. After my tarot card reading in January, I've come to embrace this stuff again. I don't know if any of it really works or if it's all psychosomatic but does it really matter? I needed something and have found it, at least for the time being! Who knows, next week, I may need something else and find it someplace else but for now I'm happy. And I suppose that's all that matters!

Anyway, I'm off to take my rambling, sleep addled brain to the couch for a nap! Perhaps some pictures later today!